Everything Will Be Alright.

I spent a wonderful few days in Wales.

Counseling starts tomorrow, then five days of work, mostly with Simon.

But it doesn't matter - because everything's going to be alright.

<3 Geo x

did you forget to call?
to find your way back home?
i pour another drink
you find yourself alone

and with the truth i feel inside
would you believe me
that i would wait here all my life
for you to find me?

 

I'll Stand By You.

going back to sixth form on monday. whole weekend at work to do first.. and he's avoiding me again. but tbh, see if i care. all along, i was the one holding on, whilst he was the one letting go.. and i'm done with that. it's time to move forward. <3

rocking the blazer and shirt look in that photo.. what has the world come to? o.o haven't done my eyeliner like that in aaaages. not since he complained about it, actually. he told me it looked stupid. it doesn't look stupid, it just looks different. which he doesn't like.. but if i have to act the same as all of those other generic little skets to get his approval, then well, i'd rather he hated me. :)

cannot WAIT for days out with my Charlotte, Katie and Hannah again.. one more week to trudge through until six weeks of summer holidays :') going to be gooooddd. ahh, i have missed traipsing through the heat and getting trains and buses up to Folkestone and Canterbury to go on the beach and go shopping, and those times are coming back :) i'm not going to regret this summer the way i regret the last one. it's going to be different. <3

wow. this guy i barely know called Glen texted me asking if i have a fiver i can borrow. and yesterday he was like 'come to Cheriton at about 7ish.' that's not even a question, that's a command. and Cheriton is missions.. what a dick. xD people are so rude.

spoke to Lee the other day <3 Emily's added him and has been texting him. 'lesbian' my arse. no surprise there though. she's such a little slag. -.- ahh well.. i'm starting to recognise the people who matter the most, and let go of those who just don't :) just as long as i've got my girls, nothing can ever be that bad. <3

<3 Geo x

nothing you confess
could make me love you l e s s

so if you're mad, get mad - don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now; hey, what you got to hide?
i get angry too - well, i'm a lot like you
when you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to choose
let me come along? 'cause even if you're wrong,

i'll stand by you..

How Cruel Is The Golden Rule?

gooooood night. :]

made EPIC chocolate pancakes with Jason, then killed ourselves laughing on the floor at youtube videos of Eevees singing i would do anything for love and murderous Bidoofs. ...yes. xD Louis, James and Zach all put in an appearance, then Glanville bailed, then this facking terrifying guy with cloudy eyes and dreadlocks turned up at the door and stared right at me whilst talking to Jason about his brother Luke owing him money. o.o it was scaaary. then we waited for a futhermucking HOUR before Jack eventually turned up, and then Ben appeared. Zach started playing the Lee song on guitar and Louis thought it would be funny to put the Pokemon theme tune on loud on the laptop and just BLAST it in the dining room xD it was amusing.

Jason's fridge was just FULL of strongbow :') i only had like one can this time thoughh. everybody else was crashing but i had to go home and didn't particularly want to walk in the door sloshed out of my skull. :P we played the most epic version of ring of fire as well, but i got lucky and hardly had to drink any fingers xD but James kept failing and had to just CHUG. then we drew three of the kings so the glass in the middle had a charming combination of carling, fosters, strongbow, dr. pepper and questionable-looking bodily fluids in it and we were all TERRIFIED of getting the fourth king, because whoever did had to knock it back :') then who should get it but our very own James Madden. i then filmed him downing the filth whilst the boys all chanted their heads off..

we like to drink with James
'cause James is our mate
and when we drink with James
he gets it down in 8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1!

he then slammed the glass down on the table and passed out on the floor. what a hero.

oh, and we didn't have a capo, so we turned Zach into a 'Zacho' and he just stood there holding down the frets for James and Louis. bless him.

just sat at home waiting for Gemma Jam Jar and Maxu to get here now. <3 they should be here soon. can't wait. :)

<3 Geo x

when the lives we live are only golden-plated
and i knew that the lights of the city
were too heavy for me
though i carry carats for everyone to see

& i saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies
& all the lovers with no time for me
& all of the mothers raised their babies
to stay away from me
& pray they don't grow up to be me..

A New Beginning.

"you whore! :) i love you geo, deal with it!"

photo isn't even from today.. but today's appearance is too disgusting to broadcast on the internet. xD mehh. i've just sent texts around to all of my friends.. apology texts. had a massive cry after realising that most of the pain i've received this year was self-inflicted and i have nobody to blame but myself and i just hope all those innocent people will find it in their hearts to forgive me for royally messing up. if they don't, then truthfully, i don't know what i shall do without them.. but i think they will. they're incredible. :)

from now on, i'm stronger. from now on, i'm not going to be such a bitchy, horrible person - i'm going to be likeable. i want to turn over a new leaf and ultimately improve myself.. i'm done with being such a prick. time to go back to the way it was in 2010. when i was a happy Geo. :)

i'm going to leave you alone. you get back to me if you wish, but i refuse to text you first anymore. because you damn near killed me. i was wrong to you, but you continue to be wrong to me, and you're not even sorry. you allow me to hurt and ache and cry and rot without empathy or shame, so i am SO done. i'll contact you if you contact me; if not, then i guess i'll just have to let you go, eh? and while i'm at it, i'm going to work hard at getting back the people who really matter - my best girls and guys - and if i can do that, then i can go back to the beginning, and do things differently. i can never change my actions in the past - but it's never too late to be brand new. i used to wait for a milestone, like the new year, or a birthday, to start fresh; but no - it starts here and now. :)

tell the world. i'm coming home.

<3 Geo x

i will be home in a while,

you don't have to say a word;

i can't wait to see you smile -

wouldn't miss it for the world. 

All You're Ever Gonna Be Is Mean.

you're a diamond, thanks for your help :)
you have to go and see it. or else you're not cool.
you don't think i'm cool anyway.
..true. <3

yaay for barefaced photos of oneself with a bra strap blatantly showing. oh, so classy. and don't you just love the dark circles under my eyes? you don't get more attractive.. xD yeahh, i don't sleep enough. 3-4 hours a night, usually. :L ahh well.. i'll live. xD

how do i manage to injure myself at work every single sunday?! xD my fingernails are just mutilated from ripping open boxes, and during the course of the day i've somehow managed to bite through my lip.. what a fail. 

bit of an afternoon for epiphanies, this <3 just been thinking a lot about this year, and my regrets.. hopped off the bus and into my pretty little village area, all lit up and beautiful in the sunshine with the Sunday air all crisp and clean and had that feeling of being alive. of being unique. ^-^ which i looove. why do all of the skets and plastics try so hard to follow fashions and what's on trend? that doesn't make you stand out. that's just imitating everybody else. nobody notices you if you're just the same.. well, maybe they don't want to be noticed. i mean, the way me and my friends act and dress is received pretty negatively, but it's attention. we're the ones they'll really remember, whilst those other girls are the 'fit' ones who just crossed their path by chance, and they'll forget soon enough. hehe. i'd rather be me. <3

i'm getting my independence back, too. i've gotten so much stronger this year.. 

whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

i don't need a guy to make me feel good anymore. and one day i want to be able to truly stand up and tell the world that i just do not give a fuck. because i'm free. i'm only seventeen years old, i've got nothing but time.. and i can't say that, given the chance, if i could go back, i wouldn't change anything - but i belong to me now. and i'm not one to just obey, and settle, and compromise. i want all that i can get and then some. i want to overindulge, overspend, oversleep. i want to drink too much and party too hard and love too deeply and fall too far. i want to find out if all this shit is really true and most of all, i wanna know what it's like to feel completely, unbelievably alive. i think that just because you're breathing, just because you can move your arms and legs and communicate, it doesn't mean you're alive; it just means you exist - and (as Vivi would say :P) you can never even prove that you exist. i've never understood people who say stuff like 'what's the point, we're all going to die anyway.' why are you wasting your time being all depressive then?! we're all going to die, but i'd much rather live a life of crazed happiness and stupidity than settle for the unfulfilled life of not bothering, just because i'm going to die. and how do we know that we're going to die anyway? you don't know what's out there. nobody does. and one day, i'm going to find out; but until then, i'm fucking alive <3

i'm not the kind
to lay down and die..

i'm doing it again.. waiting. no, fuck it, i'm not going to wait. i've got a choice, dammit. i can make something happen, easily, or i can forget, and slowly stop caring. we're not born in pairs; i don't need him. if i needed him, how did i survive this long without him? and tbh, before, i wasn't so sure i was going to survive. but now, i know that i'm going to do more than that; more than merely survive - i'm gonna be happy with it. i'm going to do something insane, something illegal, something amazing. one day, everyone will know my name, and everyone will remember me, and he'll look back in regret and kick himself for what he did to me. 

i hate him so much for doing this to you.
i don't. i just hate it that i let him.

but i've made up my mind now. i'm going to turn myself into the best fucking thing that he never had. i'm going to work my butt off for it. i'm going to make something of myself. all he does is criticize - my class, my looks, my clothes, my accent - but one day, i'll be a musician, or an author, or a dancer. and i'll forget about him.

but he'll never forget about me. <3

i'm going to make it into your loss, not mine. i'll forget the scars; pass them off as something else and smile, that little smile you once told me was pretty. you seem to think you're always right about everything, but i'm gonna make sure that i was your biggest mistake. <3

i'm still fighting, still battling, still struggling, but i swear down, i'm going to make it. i'm going to make it out of this tunnel. i'm going to be the last one standing. i can. i will. 

watch out world,
Geo'sBACK.

roll on tuesday, because it's gonna be the start of the rest of my life, and i'm facking exciited :D

<3 Geo x

someday, i'll be living in a big old city
and all you're ever gonna be is mean

 & i can see you, years from now, in a bar
talking over a football game
with that same big loud opinion
but nobody's listening
washed-up and ranting about the same old bitter thing
drunk and rumbling on about how "i can't sing" -
but all you are is mean
all you are is mean
and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
and mean.. 

Your Arm Felt Nice Wrapped Around My Shoulder.

really weeeird day.

i don't even know what this feeling is.. i feel happy, and sad, and hopeful, and lonely all at the same time. i guess it's because of work today. i need to think seriously about what steps i can take to help myself out this year, i think. but then again, it just feels like i can't win. when i distance myself, it hurts. when i stay close by, it hurts. this year needs to cut me some bloody slack tbh. xD still, things can only get better, ne? ^-^

stocktake today. Simon accidentally trod on my foot, and then did it again, on purpose, when i whined. and me and Charlotte failed EPICALLY at topping stuff up. oh, and nabbed the fourth Percy Jackson book, which is an amazing series actually :') never find time to actually read anymore, but meh. we'll see. i'm really paranoid that i looked ginger all day today. there's a definite hint of orange going on in the Geohair, and i have no love for it. MERH.

oh, and a customer asked for my number whilst on tills. "would you like a receipt with that?" "no, i'll just take your phone number if that's alright." CLASSY. he was quite fit though. .. yeaahh. xD doing 8 - 12 tomorrow. painfully early mornings, YAY. still, i like getting home at 1:30ish and then having a massive nap in front of Supernatural or The Mighty Boosh. then waking up at 4:30 and staring at my phone, waiting on the text message that isn't going to come.. Geo, you idiot. xD i don't know why i spend so much of my life waiting. figuratively, as well as literally. i mean, i spend a disgusting amount of time waiting at bus stops and train stations because i just go everywhere, but that's besides the point. i seem to always be waiting for something to happen, for somebody to be sorry, getting my hopes up for things that just aren't going to occur. but hey.. you can take the girl away from her dreams, but you can never take the dreams away from the girl.. :')

i'm only just realising how shoddy my eyeliner looks in that photo. fuck my life. 

oh, bugger. Lee's opening tomorrow as well. Lee facking haaates me xD i don't even know why. i've never given him a proper reason to.. okay, well, maybe that's a lie. but he's holding such a hench-off grudge over it :L Martin and Ant and the others have forgotten about it. just live and let live, for fack saake. xD never miind. i stay out of his way if he stays out of mine. though actually, i've started to really stick up for myself lately, which i'm quite proud of.. i mean, i usually don't take shit anyway, but i get properly defensive when people are taking the piss now. not in an overreacting kind of way, just showing them not to fuck with me.. good tiimes. xD

i have an addiction to innocent smoothies. they're actually the broth of the gods. hehee. i'm such a child. a lot of people are actually coming back into my life today..? o.o David's girlfriend dumped him, so naturally, he's speaking to me again, and Gardy and Fraser have both been chatting to me, and Maddy and Luke are always commenting on my stuff.. symbolism, yaaay :D maybe the people i'm really hoping on will follow suit. they better. i bloody miss them. <3

it's so funny, i used to have so few guy friends and now the vast majority of my friends are guys, just as i'd hoped it would turn out.. i have much love for my guys. <3 i choose all the weird, different, one-in-6billion types. i don't know how this happens :') but i'm not complaining. of course, my two best girls are always my very flavourites, nothing'll change thaat :L but having my lesser menagerie is also shinyhappy. ^-^

ffs Geo. stop turning your Blackberry over, you don't have a text, you're not going to get a text, give up already you absolute bellend. :L

time to curl up in bed with Enter Shikari (.. not literally. though i wouldn't complain.) and a strawberry milkshake. i could do with a good hug, tbh. but aahh well.. comfort eating until you drown in a big pool of obesity and listening to ahmaziing music is always a good decision <3

<3 Geo x

you had a fast car
is it fast enough, so we can fly away?
we gotta make a decision -
leave tonight, or live and die this way

now remember when we were driving
driving in your car
the speed so fast, it felt like i was drunk
the city lights lay out before us
your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder
and i had a feeling that i belonged;
i had a feeling i could be someone..

It's Safe To Say, This War Was Ours.

i've been meaning to start blogging again for quite a while, but never really got round to it.. well, it's 1.31am and i should be fast asleep because i've got an imminent 8-hour shift, but ahh well. i shall get round to it now anyway :)

really, really missing those days. the nights where i'd come home from sixth form, dump my bag in my bedroom, burn the crap out of myself with hair straighteners, don my favourite outfit of the moment and be straight out the door again, running through my pretty little neighbourhood with the summer sun still out to catch a bus to Deal, or Folkestone, or Canterbury, or just anywhere. anywhere where people i love would be. there would always be a couple of guitars, and we'd all sing badly and dance around just because we could, and i'd nearly always forget about starting work at 8am the next morning and have too much to drink; i'd hug everybody, meet new people, get compliments and smile my little head off just because i'm alive. so basically? here's to the nights i can barely remember, but will never forget!

let's hope those good times keep rolling - Jason's having a get-together on Tuesday. six guys, and me. bit of a sausage fest, but meh :D i fucking love Jason. i haven't known him for very long but he just really gets me - he's one of those people i can act myself around and not be judged. so if i feel like suddenly breaking into a dramatic song and dance about hamsters eating apricots on ferries, not only will he be incredibly entertained, he'd probably join in. everyone's a winner. 

attempted to sort my hair today - it was black, with light brown roots all the way out to my ears. which was attractive. so slapped on a chemical stripper which smelled vile and made me want to vomit, waited an hour, took about three showers to get the smell out of my hair and then blowdryed it and it was.. ginger. we're talking bright orange in my fringe here. thank God, it calmed down, and now it's just sort of caramel coloured with ginger highlights.. ahhh well. 

stocktake at work tomorrow. always scares the shit out of me, and Lee says he's sacking me soon anyway. i can't say i'll mind too much as long as i can get another job - i'll only miss Simon, Ant and Martin really, though it is nice being able to afford to buy things all the time now. i'm sure i'll manage though. i really hope things are starting to look up; Christ, 2011 hasn't treated me at all kindly. but i'm getting better, i think. i've got the most amazing people around to keep me smiling and i've been feeling pretty good about myself lately :) which is EPIC. and rare, may i add. it doesn't bode well for my vanity, but meh. you win some, you lose some. xD

2:01am now. i'm not that slow of a typer, i'm just.. easily distracted. xD so i'll keep this one short, and actually attempt to make this blogging thing regular from now on.. well, we'll see how long that lasts :') i have the attention span of a flea. .. do fleas have a short attention span.. ? idk. maybe that's quite an empty statement. i have the attention span of a creature that has no attention span.

xD me and Marty discussing Miss Finn from primary school. "I wonder if she's dead?" "I hope so."

and on that charming note, i sign off. ciao! 

<3 Geo x
 

never feared for anything
never shamed, but never free
a life that healed a broken heart
with all that it could
lived a life so endlessly
saw beyond what others see
i tried to heal your broken heart
with all that i could
will you stay?
will you stay away, forever?